You're My Miracle.
...remember?
Where to start, cuz, lol, I feel I can't end it.
Yo. Before you close the page because; a) you have a bad feeling about this, b) omg this post is supra long, even longer than the ones you made, c) because you don't want to read it... Just so you know: I love you, my bestfriend (haven't you read the xmas letter yet? lol.). But this is the time I can't handle it anymore.
I'm sorry. I just had a realization that I can say sorry, despite you said before not to. It's just... things that we haven't cleared with each other. I want you to know, can you stop hiding for me? I've longed to confront you, but you've been running for so long. I didn't care then but-- we can't, I -ME-, can't continue this way. You don't have to answer... I'm used to it lol. Just hear me out. For this once, the only one time.
-
December. Did you know how cruel the (virtual) snow was for me? In the world of lakia, I had terrible mood swings with you around. Often times, I opted to turn of legion chat to stop hearing all these flirting and shit, how much pain do you think that caused me. I'm not asking for sympathy - not then, not now - but you need to understand. No matter what you do - a fresh wound will HURT to exposure. Even if I didn't want it to be. I tried to not care, not to be jealous. But everytime I recover myself, you just continue to do so... And so you wonder why? Nevertheless, I was able to gulp it all down. It was a nice new years eve / last week with you.
January. How ironic. The only way to avoid fighting and arguing was to actually argue about it. You *tried* to confront me with your feelings through the email message you sent me. Tried. Why didn't you do it all the way? I was used to it - I didn't need to explain my side. I just need some clarifications, some things to think about. But you didn't give me that chance. I was to be branded villain, without any attempt to clarify why. I didn't care and I accepted that fact that I was a villain because I'm guilty of it (as of above... I hid my feelings at that time.), but WHY can't I know _why_?
And another thing. Like what I said with the message I replied - neither Sulie, nor some other Phalanx members at that time knew what you were talking about. For the moments that I had those mood swings - even then, the LAST THING I wanted to do was to let you down. There were times I want you to feel that I am down, but I never wanted to bring you down. Ever. I'm sorry it had to be this way, but I hope you don't change what you see in order to satisfy what you feel. And same to your sympathetic unidentified friend.. lol. And again. I hope you read the xmas letter. That's pretty much the only reason I'm still hanging around here.
-
[Do you run and hide, or face the truth?]
I understand what I'm doing. I'm sorry for being cruel - but it's the last thing I can do before we fall in to a friendship of lies. Ever since the last time you vented on me, our friendship started to feel like a lie. Ahh. What a good line for a drama, "Our friendship is just a lie!". That's why, I'm doing my best, what I feel best.
Even if it hurts you, please understand.
-
February. Busy months. It's also the time the fire that was rekindled by your actions the previous month (even though selfishly), was also dying. In Lakia, it was also the time of Kat's downfall and Elite's rise... hmm. And the eventual exile - did you know I made my DG at this moment because I wanted to avenge you guys? lol. But for us - is it a blessing or a curse? To be honest, it gave me time to think of things. As I said, a wound won't heal if it's exposed to the... problem. So it probably did. Sorta. But it's the start of the bad, as you said. Actually - looking back now. I think we killed ourselves by ourselves. All I see from my logs are Aika Aika Aika. We're both at fault at it, no need to blame... We were both escaping from things - shit, how weak even for me. I was the one telling you to not get absorbed in it too much... irony irony.
March. Would a month be enough? Out of the air, you show up. Cara's birthday. I still have no idea how you got inside campus, lol. I felt all warm and tingly inside - you shouting at me, wth nice greeting man. To be honest, I myself am not sure if that was sarcastic. ...and this was the time that change really starts. But yes, really heartwarming. For a second there, I thought it was 2010. Sorta.
Well so-rry. It's not like I'm telling the whole world "HEY WE'RE GOING ON A TOURNAMENT!". Actually, due to the distance we had, I almost forgot you existed. School business kept me busy, while you hiding EVERYWHERE, it isn't that easy to forget. And you stopped chatting. I want to write this for later but... For the record: you are the one who started most of the chat in my logs. Additionally - if you really know me - this is TRUE. I don't really talk out of the blue unless I need something, I got something to tell, or utterly bored. And if the latter two, I find it hard - I don't know if I'm talking to thin air or just someone who is invi. I'll continue this later...
I'm sorry for inducing laziness at the time of ADVANSE MP. But this is also the time that it came to me - gee, aren't you just texting/IMing me since you need me...
April. I shrieked out some gatherings and parties - sorta cuz you were there. I don't know how to face this awkwardness. This was the time that it came to me - we have to resolve this by ourselves... else it won't be solved. Get it? If you think I'm having fun not talking to my best friend while she's in plain sight... How dare you. Even at the time of Grade Consulation day - how unexpected. Even more - the warmth from our abrupt last meeting was gone. I couldn't move my lips to say hello first, out of fear of rejection. But I was looking at you - at your direction, waiting for you to turn my way and acknowledge my presence... So I can be sure that when I say hi, I won't be ignored. Don't you realize? I'm scared too. I don't know if...
Especially since everyone was there, you can easily ignore me. I can just fade in the background - I'm used to fading in the background, but in the eyes of my bestfriend... Usually... those are my saving light but at that time... I was afraid.
-
[You're supposed to fuckin be my mentor.
I can endure no more.]
You're supposed to be my older sis. Achi. I'm supposed to be your weak, useless shoti. How could you forget that... There's something that changed between us but it shouldn't change us. Know that I'm still as weak as ever, either you make me stand or I can't at all. You've always taken the initiative. You're always the lead. I always loved how you pulled me around for that. But the time you stopped doing it...
Is the time we broke.
-
May. After four months, you've had enough and showed me a piece of your mind. After all this time, an ample amount of time. What happened to us, and what have we learned from this time...
I'm trying to bring it back. But it's awkward. I'm not sure how to. I'm weird. Hence, you receive these weird meow messages, random nothings. Hoping you would respond. I wouldn't know how to exactly do it, but I know I had to do something. Even that time on the rift - even if I didn't feel like it, I did it.
Which lead us to your second vent out.
--
Some nitpicking.
Well sorry for being direct to the point. I've forgotten how to lengthen my reply - but that just adds some useless things in it. Seriously, I don't know why I'm making an effort. What's the difference between
"eeh, no?"
and
"no, i did not receive your reply.", which would just be repeating what you said? Apparently that mean much...
As I said, stop assuming shit. Emo most of the time? Fuck that word, it's time to learn a new word: Depressed. And for the record, I'm not depressed. Maybe expressive or some other shit, but not depressed. Call it emo or whatever, but learn to know the difference... (in before, this is emo. This is called an explanation ffs.)
Omegahd. I don't have the most important records... lol.
-
For the record? I just scanned this year's log in both my phone and chatlog. Most of the time, you started the conversation. Most of the time I replied - the times I stopped replying were when the conversation is over. ...So please. Unless we have some technology interference, stop putting the blame on me. I reply. I don't snob you. Aika-wise? I don't hear other team's chat in BG. When in a relic war, I'm in relic war. Talking in normal is a sign of disrespect in my opinion, and even then, I would be moving so I can't talk back. I try to make the game fun not just for me... lol with a capital R. So don't call me that. If you actually read above... I'm always just waiting for your initiative.
I know, for the past few months, I owe you a lot. We weren't exactly best friends per-se. But... I'm not willing to see it just die, y'know. But you gotta do your part also. You also owe me a lot. Lots and lots. I don't really care, but I just want to see some sort of equality. Since you expressed that you expect me to chat you and talk to you... can you please do the same? I'll return your words - it's like I'm talking to a wall. Sure, you reply with some "sense". But can you reply the reply I want to hear? I'm not hearing how you are. I'm not hearing what happened to your application to CSB. All I hear is me, I want to hear your voice. Or at least, tell something about yourself...
And as I said - isn't it time? The past is past. It's not my place yet to ask you but... it will really help if you stopped using invi. Cuz seriously, I THOUGHT it was gonna be an ass pain to chat someone invi, now I KNOW. The past week where I tried to initiate with you - I didn't know when you will reply. To be plain honest? It sucks. If you really want me to talk to you, stop hiding from me. It's already an effort - did you know? I don't really chat like that with Paul or whoever. We chat when we feel like it - that happens when we SEE EACH OTHER on the list. That's where it starts.
-
[So you better hear me out, this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you I have stayed
Faithful all the way--this is how I fucking get repaid?]
I wanted to put this in the front but I feel it's better here. I hope this line hears you out and you see the same. Maybe not as intense as the line implies - but it's similar. This past year has been... totally for you. Whether you like it or not. I don't want compensation or anything - all I want is to be fair. Know that I did all of those things because I love you. Maybe now it's a bit different - but the thing is, I hardly feel the same love back. As a friend, as a bestfriend.
A part of me feels guilty and bad - this is a part of our friendship that made us to who we are. But I can no longer not deny it. It hurts when you don't acknowledge me. I feel less than a bestfriend. I don't exactly know what I'm looking for - definitely not a payback for the gifts. Some warmth... I guess.
That is, if you still consider me to be one. Bestfriend.
-
Seriously. I told you it won't end >:D But it feels so much burden has been lifted out. You know how it pains me how you don't want us to meet and resolve this ourselves. I really don't like doing this. I know this will hurt you. Make you cry. But... I need to do this. Tonight will be the night I'll be selfish. Please let me, at least for this one time.
-
...Lost? Baffled? Angry? Shocked? Please excuse my selfishness. Short story time! Did you know I met a person. She's also weird like you. Crazy as you, mwaha. And all that tat, well of course you two are different. But you know what I've learned from her? She's really frank. I know you are - but you aren't to me. She, as a close friend of mine, really tells me when I go overboard. Or when I'm weird. Or when she doesn't understand and I need to rewind since I really know I talk too fast. In other words... she has that trait the we kept saying and repeating, kung baga, "madali lang ako kausapin sabihin mo lang", but in truth di naman natin magawa.
What I'm saying? It's possible :D And idk... If we ever have a chance again. I'd like us to be like her. We already know a crapload of things about each other, but we can't say EXACTLY what we need to say to each other. I guess that's the line between bestfriends and bestestfriends >:D
-
Omegahd. Please stop crying... Have a purple tissue...
...box.
If you're sad, don't worry. It's all in the past for me. Let's shed our skin like a snake and start anew!
If you're angry, then go. I acknowledge your hate, and I'm sorry for the last time. And thank you. Even if I said that things were lacking - you still made everything fun and worthwhile. You were definitely an important, wholesome figure in my life.
If you're the achi I know and believe in, the chewie in my wookie (WAT.)... Ask me to meet you and then punch me in the face >:D As hard as you can. Then we'll have a cup of coffee and laugh about it afterwards.
Best regards.
shoti "jonn" Eric (err ano pa ba... aun!) cute >:D
ps:
ewan. ikaw na bahala. i've did my part. whether this is the end for us, or a new beginning... good luck :) leave me a message of rage, ignore me or something. cya~
