[you doorknob]

FORMDEV is so cheesy, it made me realize something again. And now that I've really really said it, I can't be a hypocrite and just do nothing. ...Uh huh.

Darkest Night. Well, to be more accurate, one of my dark night. Using a very light and skinned version of deredere ending path, I've emphasized on the keyword: Friendship. It's nothing new to me, but...

A stupid idiot in the past. Actually, make them two. They, well, maybe not necessarily on purpose but, I've lost faith in this so called friends. I've actually told bats a bit about this: I had this weird weird aura since forever. Basically, it's simple, everyone would just really come to respect me regardless of what I do.

I met many people and many friends. I wasn't as daring as now as I was before but it was something inevitable. But for some really really weird reason - they all would respect me for who I am. The normal people who would just befriend me or leave me alone. The guys with 'attitude', for some reason I got along with them well and I was out of their 'targets'. Even as the years moved on and with CT, I was really reluctant because it was the after-event of a bad event. But still, I was simply accepted so easily.

Bad event? I've met someone I called best friend. And, now that we've looked back at it, it was also due to childish concerns. We've went on in a fight, but - it was something that scarred me. It looks silly now, but I'm formed to who I am because of that. No time for regrets, no time...

And so, combining this two events... Well, to be honest there are also other factors, but for the sake of the topic at hand, these two will do. Maybe because I was really accustomed that people would easily accept me. And because I lost the will to deepen any bonds of friendship. I am who I am now, I have these friends and all. But still I prefer to do things alone. I want all my burdens and carry them by myself. I don't want others to know of what's within. ...and as I think of it, maybe this is another reason why I've formed an alter-ego to help me support myself. Oh god this sounds so lonely ;__;

As a lyric of my favorite song goes (actually I've used this already but...)

We've tied our pain below and no one ever has to know
That inside we're broken

Stupid. So yeah, carrying like a DotA game npnp. Self-supported by illya with lots of wards and assists. Everyone else? They're there for the lulz and laughter, the happy moments and memories. ...and in another way, I like everyone so much that I don't want them to be troubled and pinned down by my problems.

So as a kid I decided that. Like I said earlier in FORMDEV, it was really like the saying, The third time is a charm~, why? It's not the first time I've been enlightened on the value of friendship. But still, the echoes from the past haunts me, and I've made a point to share a smile, not my pains to others.

Oh how silly. But. From the moment I've talked to ems in the first place, then to bats, the pseudo-help from my closest friends during that day despite not saying it to them directly, and the aftermath where I discovered there's even a larger number of onlookers at hand. I've noticed how easier it could've been. Note: Been. But I didn't properly asked for help, so I've got what I got.

But now that I look back upon it. Reflecting back. I need a Sunohara too. As silly as it sounds, I want to share the pain. It's less selfish than I thought, some are really conductive and want to admit it to themselves openly. ...okay that sounded weird, but yeah. I really appreciate those people, and so I decided.

That I'd be an open conduit too. I want to recognize and realize this faith in 'friendship'. I want to share good and bad memories together with others. It's so late, but I want and wish for it. I've always wanted to look like a reliable person that one can lean upon but I guess it didn't happen because of one thing - I didn't had anything or anyone to lean on beside myself.

Friends. Such a silly word.

...and now I am in a fix. This is exactly why I left plurk a bit for the past few days. As I get closer to evs, ems, everyone else. Stupid. I have no idea where to go. As much as I want to help them, there's still a wall.

Go find a hammer and break it!, an inner consciousness tells me. Yeah aylliaylli, I get it but. Exactly how? I want to lend an ear to listen to them. I want to lend a shoulder for them to lean on. But if there's nothing coming out from them, how do I listen? If they don't lean onto me, what good is this shoulder for?

...so yeah, I guess I woke up ~2am bothered by this. Or there's another fate at hand I haven't foreseen yet. Regardless, push cirecire, push <3! I don't want to lose this faith and feeling of trust now that I have it back.