Ayoko na.
Tae. Ano ba yan, bakit naman mali mali nalang palagi ang mga nasasabi ko sa maling oras. At eto nanaman, sa aking pagbibiro ay may nasaktan nanaman ako. Aba'y puta.
Tangina, nagtagalog. Hahahahaha
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...Nah I just wanted to test writing that way for lulz.
I hate myself. I self-boast of being a caring and sensitive person for others. But I keep failing and failing at that, hurting others whereas I didn't notice it at all. And yeah, I just did it again.
...
I'm just speechless. Everything seems to fall down one by one on each of these passing days.
...remnants of the past keeps telling me to regret and look back.
...a dead desire and thirst slowly arising and taking over again.
...a wound that has always been there that I've hidden and ignored, now it starts to release its anguish.
...losing myself as I can no longer indulge on my hobbies as I once did - no DotA, can't do MPs properly, eroge starts to bore me.
...and alas. Losing others whom I care about, when I need 'em the most.
A poison thrown into the lake. The only way to clean it is to drain and remove every last drop of water from the lake. So. A poison is in my veins. And the only way to purify myself is to remove and clean myself totally. Nah, I'm not thinking of emo-crap like suicide and such. Start a new. Again. ...but the problem here:
[[ Will I still retain myself until the end of the term? ]]
I'm dedicated to change next term. I've got a lot of things I've planned to do. I want this to stop already. But will I survive until then? Because day by day, I'm losing myself. Hell, I even tagalog'd. That means there's seriously a problem.
...my only saving grace now is [that] one. Haha, and I know. I'll lose her too. I've wasted too much time ignoring that route. I know it's too late. But I'll cling onto that hope, we'll still meet 3 times more. So.
It's an all in. Hahaha. I'm insane, nana agreed last night when I told her I was DLing a 2.5gb file in my dialup. Insane. I need to be insane for just a bit more time, I can't lose this because [insanity is my sanity]
[I've been waiting for a miracle]
Now would be a good time for that miracle to arrive. Hahaha.
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Priority Objective: Survive and be Myself for Two More Weeks.
My will won't falter. I've trained myself for this. I've told myself I'm ready if the day ever comes that I'll feel like this. And that, that's the flaw. I've never experienced this before, only anticipated for it. And I've already knew it all along, experience beats any theoretical knowledge.
So.
...save me in our last 3 days. I know I can extend that timespan, so let's...
...return her to me. I gave her up, deep inside me knowing she'd be returned. So return her to me!!!
...cleanse and purge myself from the afflictions that affects everyone. I want to return to who I was, and who everyone was to me.
If only a miracle would happen and make one of the above come true. That's how I'll survive.
I'm sorry. To myself for always being such a fucking idiot, constantly being a hindrance to myself - illya. To everyone I've trumped or belittle because of this change - evy bats roms miggy. To dC and bros, this is an affliction I can't let you guys bear or even take part of - alvy cal paul evy bats roms xchan. To the person I tried to help, but deep inside I sound like a hypocrite or at least ignorant - nana. The person I've carelessly, recklessly and selfishly chased and now I've made a wall - gwenie. And to others I can't really classify - emmy. And everyone else too.
...why does this sound like a last post ever. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I have a strong, iron will. It won't falter until the very end, and I'll fight for that goal up to the last drop of [in]sanity I have.
This secret blog has outlived its purpose. It's no longer private, my heart is open to everyone. And I have no regrets about it. Call me weird. Because I really am. There's a lot more in the future, but today's future? I can't even see the horizon, I'll be pushing blindly through it all. And I'll be back, I should, I must be. I'll laugh and smile again, someday... Just like what I said to someone: You look better with a smile :)
So in the meantime. I'll frown. I'll be sad. I haven't had the time to be down, so I'll take it now so it'll be the last time I'll be feeling down. ...and hope it'll be the last.
